How can you be an emotionally intelligent mother? Here are three phrases used by those who have worked on this skill.
“Mothers often have a bad reputation for their constant scolding, but these repetitive phrases that make children cringe could well be hidden treasures of wisdom. Far from being mere annoyances, phrases like ‘Are you sure you’re okay?’ or ‘Put yourself in their shoes’ reveal a mother’s gift for picking up on emotions – her own and those of her children – with a finesse that is easy to miss at the time,” explains psychologist Marielisa Reyes in Your Tango. These questions are proof that mothers are deeply interested in their children’s feelings. Some questions and phrases are particularly revealing of the interest that mothers have in their children.
Three revealing phrases
These mothers also help to “develop empathy, resilience and self-awareness”, says the expert. Here are three phrases that are part of the toolbox of emotionally intelligent mothers, which enable their children to develop their own emotional intelligence.
1. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“In adolescence, the fact that their parents are checking up on them can be suffocating. Everyone, even children, needs independence and space. Whether it’s dealing with complex emotions or understanding friendships or romantic relationships, most children prefer to keep their feelings to themselves until they understand them better. This does not change the fact that most children lack the control and emotional intelligence to manage these complex emotions,” observes the specialist. This simple sentence allows for a deep connection to what the child is experiencing and feeling. While children may sometimes be reluctant to confide in their mother, the mother knows, thanks to her sense of observation and empathy, when it is necessary to insist.
2. “That’s how you said it”
“Most people are not very good at listening to themselves, let alone their emotions. As a result, they don’t always notice the change in tone that their partner, children or friends may adopt when they are upset or annoyed. But emotionally intelligent mothers are almost always able to perceive these changes in tone without even thinking about it,” observes the psychologist. This means that this seemingly innocuous sentence is a testament to the level of observation and listening that mothers have in their homes. Psychologist and author Rick Hanson observes that “on the other hand, paying attention to tone allows you to be more in tune with yourself, because you have to be aware of what is building up inside you, which promotes mindfulness and strengthens your neural substrates.”
3. “Well, start at the beginning.”
“When their child comes home from school upset and in tears because they have been excluded by their friends or mistreated by a teacher, mothers’ natural protective instincts can kick in, prompting them to look for solutions immediately. However, this phrase, frequently used by wise mothers, reflects their emotional intelligence. Emotionally intelligent mothers can do something that most people cannot: control their emotions. Instead of letting their instincts take over, these mothers can sit down and analyze the situation by asking their children to explain what happened from the beginning,” explains the psychologist. This invitation to detail the context of a situation allows emotionally intelligent mothers to avoid being overwhelmed by their own emotions and to take the time to find the most appropriate solution.
